November 21, 2022
I’m F**ked
*I apologize for the excessive use of a single profanity in this post. I have tried to substitute it with other words but none of them seemed to click.
I could hear myself saying it but didn’t want to believe it was true. So I kept moving forward. I know it wasn’t right. My competition was disappearing into the distance and I could do nothing about it. I started walking as my ultra mindset kicked in. I was looking for an answer in the moment. I couldn’t find one. I still haven’t I don’t think.
A few weeks later I was on another plane to another 100+ KM that awaited me. My legs felt like shit. My muscles were tired. My joints ached somehow for the first time in my life. Even my tendons were screaming out to me “I’m f**ked.” But I didn’t want to stop. I woke up. I ran. I was f**cked. I ate. I slept. I ran more. I was still f**ked but the running was too amazing not to do.
I entered a race. I was f**ked. I knew I couldn’t keep the pace because I was so f**ked. So I didn’t show up. I sat home trying to piece it together. I had no answers other than I’m f**ked.
I knew I would come good. I didn’t know how or when but I was sure I would. I would wake up in the hope that my first steps were pain free but most days they were not. I had to modify my morning flow routine because I was so f**ked.
I continued to run, some steps were agonizing. I continued my strength. I knew I would get better. I knew at some stage I would be less f**ked. (ha ha what a wild goal just to be a bit less f**ked) I could see it. I could feel it. I dreamed of running fast without pain. I thought about it all day. I dreamed of walking down the stairs in the morning with no pain. I knew it would come.
It did. Suddenly I was less f**ked. I was running faster. I was pain free. It was what I had dreamed. What I had visualized. All that I had wanted. Then I went faster for longer and I wasn’t even f**ked at all. Is it real? I asked myself. Yes I told myself!
So I entered a race to confirm I was no longer f**ked. That was my only goal. Partial insanity I suppose but I needed it. I needed to know. I ran, I was free, I was no longer f**ked. I knew it from the first KM. It was like I was reborn.
There are times when you’re going to be f**ked and all the answers will be right in front of you. Follow the clues.
There are times when you’re going to be f**ked and you have no idea why but you somehow keep going and one day your not f**ked anymore.
Both are dangerous. Both need caution and awareness. Both happen. This is life.
(I wrote this piece around 12 months ago and for some reason it has sat in my drafts since, now it is live.)
Comments
Mossadiq November 22, 2022 AT 09 am
As always a great insight and what goes in your mind. Wild!
Comments are closed.